Trash Maneuvers

I found this on my favorite web site (SOS), and I was practically in tears at the end from laughing so hard. I could have written this...this is exactly how I've thought, and actually can still find myself falling back into these old habits way too easily. Read and enjoy!

The trash maneuvers: What are the trash maneuvers? They are a complicated set of thoughts and actions, related to circling around a trash bin instead of taking it out. You see, it is just too hard to take the trash out when the bin is full, so a set of complicated maneuvers is required to avoid this TEDIOUS, tedious task. It goes like this:

Step 1. Observe the trash bin. Make a mental note: "Hey, the bin is full. Crap." Solution: simply use some force to fit your trash in the bin. You will be surprised at the huge amount of trash you can actually fit into a small bin when you really work for it!

Step 2. When no amount of force helps, and the bin is just too full, locate a suitable spot somewhere, and simply leave your trash there. Remember, it takes too much effort to just take the trash bag out of the bin and take it outside!

Step 3. Every time you go to the kitchen, take some time to be bothered about the trash. Thoughts like these help: "Uh-oh, it's full. Ugh, it smells in here." When you need to throw something away, think, "What should I do about this piece of trash? Yeah, I'll just leave it on the counter - No wait, there's already too much trash on it - Well, I'll just throw it in the sink, the sink smells already anyway. It's too much trouble to take the trash out."

Step 4. When you are finally just too fed up with all the trash surrounding you, or if the smell makes it hard to breathe in the kitchen, or if the in-laws are threatening to visit you, it is time to finally take the trash out. Take the bag out of the bin and put it somewhere you remember to take it out: the front door, for example.

Step 5. Every time you go out, make a mental note about the trash bag blocking your way to the front door. Make another mental note, reminding yourself you're too busy to take it out. Step or jump over the bag. Repeat this step for as long as you wish or endure. Some have been doing this for days, weeks, months, maybe even years! Remember to be very bothered about the trash bag sitting at your front door or hallway (or kitchen or living room if your'e really hardcore), but remind yourself it's too tedious to take it out with you. You are too busy for that. And remember, Busy People are Important People.

Step 6. This step is performed in the kitchen, in parallel with Step 5. Multitasking, you see! You could spend a few seconds taking another trash bag (you probably have collected a 100 years' worth of these already) and putting it in the bin. STOP! Don't do that! Those few seconds take too much of your Precious Time!

Step 7. Maintain Step 6. Every time you need to throw some trash in the bin, make a mental note: "Uh-oh, there's no bag in there, I can't put this thing in the bin," and just leave it on a vacant spot in the kitchen. Repeat this step until you feel ready to actually put the bag in the bin.

Step 8. Cleaning frenzy! You're fed up with the situation and finally have put the bag in the bin! Now it's time to take advantage of a usable trash bin, so collect all the trash in the kitchen (in the sink, on the counters, table, floor, wherever it is) and throw it in the bin!

Step 9. Observe the bin. It is now full.

Step 10. Go to step 1 and repeat.

YES. I've actually been behaving like this, many times. I won't bother taking the trash out because spending those two minutes to take it out would be too much trouble. BUT, apparently, it is not too much trouble to spend several minutes, maybe hours in total, watching the counters and sink get covered in trash, worrying about it, moving it around when I cook, and taking the time to wonder, with each piece of new trash, where to put it. To my delight, however, I've been getting out of this habit. I have realized how utterly stupid it is to take all the time worrying about trash, when you could really just "waste" a couple of minutes of your precious time to take the trash out when the bin is full and put another bag in the bin. Yes, I've definitely made progress here and it really makes a difference!